open letter to the person sitting next to you in the office

A passive-agressive plea:

Hey, would you mind turning you cell phone to vibrate? Or at least pick it up on the first ring? Sure, the first time i heard it i thought, "wow, it's been a long time since i've heard the hawaii five-o theme song". it's been 5 months. i hear it at least twice a day. it's common courtesy and assumed that no one else wants to hear it.

And while we're at it, no, i don't know who won the game last night, and please stop talking about fantasy football. i suppose it is better than hearing about american idol or some other inane reality tv show, but nonetheless irritating. I mean, isn't it amazing how many yards Joe Namath can sprint on the court? No, it isn't.

Also, the window at the top of our cubicles is not a one-way mirror for you to hide behind, so please pick your nose below the divider and take advantage of what little privacy we have here in our cellblock.

Remind me again, who asked about your kids? or you sex life? or your mother's sex life? oh that's right, no one. as you so frequently say, "don't go there".

Why complain, you ask? why not retaliate? if i were to talk obnoxiously about my personal life as my personal ringtone of "Rock You Like a Hurricane" blared while looking at my Fantasy Football standing (?) and disgustingly groomed my orifices, i'd be just like you and would therefore relinquish whatever high ground i had. I'll take the high road thank you very much.+

Consider yourself served.